August 1rst, 2012
Today is a good day, and so was yesterday...
I've been trying something for a couple of days now, maybe even a couple weeks. Zazen meditation in the morning. For a long time I've always hated mornings. I've often been groggy, tired and above all else filled with fear, hesitation, and anxiety about the day ahead of me. Staying at the homeless shelter has forced me to become a morning person. I'm much less groggy in the mornings now but the fear and anxiety is, was, and has been with me for a long time. What I do now when I wake up is... I just wake up. That's the first part, the second part is that even if I have to get up I don't have to feel like it's a punishment. I try not to think of it as a struggle or wrestle immediately with the whole day ahead of me. I just get up. So before I wake up, in that strange grey area between sleep and wakefulness I actively remind myself that ALL i need to do is get up. As a result I've been having better mornings and better mornings lead to better days. This reminds me of a story I read in ' Awakening The Buddha Within ';
One day a Brahman man came to see the Buddha.
"Enlightened One, what do your monks do?" asked the Brahman man.
"They eat, they sleep, and they walk." Replied the Buddha.
"But Enlightened One, all monks do this." States the Brahman man.
"Yes but when they eat they know they are eating, when they sleep they know they are sleeping, and when they walk they know they are walking." Replied the Buddha.
I want to be more aware of all the things I do. That I believe is the way to Enlightenment. Knowing what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and how I'm feeling when I do it.
I ran into Jess on River street this morning, for her own safety I told her what happened between Huck and Finn. Surprise, surprise, she knew nothing about their altercation or at least not the detail about Finn's neck and spine that resulted from it.
"Well given the abuse he suffered I'm not really surprised." Said Jess.
"I heard Huck was bi-polar or something?" I asked, it's an obvious technique I've learned, asking about a detail I already know the answer to in order to plumb for further information in a hopefully in-obvious fashion.
Jess laughed a little.
"There's not such thing as bi-polar, it's a scheme invented by the drug companies to sell pills." Jess told me.
I shrugged, I was pretty sure it was a real disorder, but it occurred to me that i don't really know and it's kind of beside the point. Or totally beside the point actually.
" Well I didn't want you to get hurt so I thought you should probably know." I said.
" Tucks like my little brother, he is my little brother." I think she meant in the christian sense of the word 'brother'.
"Yeah well little 'brother' or not he could still toss you out a window." I replied.
"Yes I suppose my little brother could still kill me."
I restrained myself from commenting that usually it's the older brother that kills you in christian circles. (Cain and Abel... ha.) We sat on a street side bench and talked about theology, which is what we usually talk about. I felt like this time we had more to talk about than in our previous exchange at the shelter. It was much less confrontational than before. I love Jess, when the bible says 'the salt of earth' I'm pretty sure it's talking about people like her. People that live their spirituality. Our conversations while mostly spiritual tend to digress and and the topic changes frequently from one aspect to the next.
" I don't think we ever talk about just one thing... but we always end up talking about spirituality." I said at one point.
" Well... I don't enjoy talking about anything else as much." said Jess smiling.
I'm very happy for Jess and very grateful that I've gotten to know her. She shows me the genuine face of her faith and has opened the door for me to have more tolerance for Christians. But enough about Jess, I've probably gushed significatly.
My sponsor gave me some advice regarding Big Sam at the shelter. 'Stay out of it, you're not a crusader', was what he specifically told me. True statement, I'm not a crusader and it's none of my business what someone else puts in their body.
The arrow of reality, the arrow of truth has already struck. All of my arrows, college, sobriety, work, are already in flight and simultaneously already sticking out of the target. I'll know sometime late this week or early next week whether or not I'm going to be a student in the fall.
Today is a good day, and so was yesterday...
I've been trying something for a couple of days now, maybe even a couple weeks. Zazen meditation in the morning. For a long time I've always hated mornings. I've often been groggy, tired and above all else filled with fear, hesitation, and anxiety about the day ahead of me. Staying at the homeless shelter has forced me to become a morning person. I'm much less groggy in the mornings now but the fear and anxiety is, was, and has been with me for a long time. What I do now when I wake up is... I just wake up. That's the first part, the second part is that even if I have to get up I don't have to feel like it's a punishment. I try not to think of it as a struggle or wrestle immediately with the whole day ahead of me. I just get up. So before I wake up, in that strange grey area between sleep and wakefulness I actively remind myself that ALL i need to do is get up. As a result I've been having better mornings and better mornings lead to better days. This reminds me of a story I read in ' Awakening The Buddha Within ';
One day a Brahman man came to see the Buddha.
"Enlightened One, what do your monks do?" asked the Brahman man.
"They eat, they sleep, and they walk." Replied the Buddha.
"But Enlightened One, all monks do this." States the Brahman man.
"Yes but when they eat they know they are eating, when they sleep they know they are sleeping, and when they walk they know they are walking." Replied the Buddha.
I want to be more aware of all the things I do. That I believe is the way to Enlightenment. Knowing what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and how I'm feeling when I do it.
I ran into Jess on River street this morning, for her own safety I told her what happened between Huck and Finn. Surprise, surprise, she knew nothing about their altercation or at least not the detail about Finn's neck and spine that resulted from it.
"Well given the abuse he suffered I'm not really surprised." Said Jess.
"I heard Huck was bi-polar or something?" I asked, it's an obvious technique I've learned, asking about a detail I already know the answer to in order to plumb for further information in a hopefully in-obvious fashion.
Jess laughed a little.
"There's not such thing as bi-polar, it's a scheme invented by the drug companies to sell pills." Jess told me.
I shrugged, I was pretty sure it was a real disorder, but it occurred to me that i don't really know and it's kind of beside the point. Or totally beside the point actually.
" Well I didn't want you to get hurt so I thought you should probably know." I said.
" Tucks like my little brother, he is my little brother." I think she meant in the christian sense of the word 'brother'.
"Yeah well little 'brother' or not he could still toss you out a window." I replied.
"Yes I suppose my little brother could still kill me."
I restrained myself from commenting that usually it's the older brother that kills you in christian circles. (Cain and Abel... ha.) We sat on a street side bench and talked about theology, which is what we usually talk about. I felt like this time we had more to talk about than in our previous exchange at the shelter. It was much less confrontational than before. I love Jess, when the bible says 'the salt of earth' I'm pretty sure it's talking about people like her. People that live their spirituality. Our conversations while mostly spiritual tend to digress and and the topic changes frequently from one aspect to the next.
" I don't think we ever talk about just one thing... but we always end up talking about spirituality." I said at one point.
" Well... I don't enjoy talking about anything else as much." said Jess smiling.
I'm very happy for Jess and very grateful that I've gotten to know her. She shows me the genuine face of her faith and has opened the door for me to have more tolerance for Christians. But enough about Jess, I've probably gushed significatly.
My sponsor gave me some advice regarding Big Sam at the shelter. 'Stay out of it, you're not a crusader', was what he specifically told me. True statement, I'm not a crusader and it's none of my business what someone else puts in their body.
The arrow of reality, the arrow of truth has already struck. All of my arrows, college, sobriety, work, are already in flight and simultaneously already sticking out of the target. I'll know sometime late this week or early next week whether or not I'm going to be a student in the fall.
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