July 19, 2012
Today is all about the next best things. I just now realized that I spend so much 'Stall' time convincing myself that everything will be alright when I could simply accept this concept as a fact of my existence. Lyle at the coffee shop told me that Eve was here this morning looking for me. Which is odd because she was the last thing I thought about last night before I went to sleep. So... to see or not to see... that is the question.
Considering that everything will be alright... why should I avoid anything or anyone?
My day swings into action at noon. If 'K' shows up at the coffee shop I'll work today, if he doesn't I'll go to Eve's. From there who knows?
Leona is back with the fellowship. She was at the coffee shop last night, looking fine as usual;
"Max! Been doing any 'poonjin'!" She asked me emphatically.
"Actually I've been avoiding it." I replied with a smirk.
Lately it feels like everyone but me think I should be in a relationship. Sometimes I think I should too but what would 'that' look like in my situation? There's plenty of time for romance when I'm not homeless... in my opinion. As to what Max would look like in a relationship or who he would be with, that is intriguingly uncharted territory. Intriguing but ultimately irrelevant.
I'm exceedingly grateful to Richard for the place to stay and all that he's done for me these past few weeks, but I feel like he's putting some unfair expectations on me and my time. He feels like a very grasping person to me, someone that wants others to conform aggressively to his unique worldview. Two nights ago he told me that he'd been in A.A.for a brief period of time but found out, or came to the conclusion that he wasn't an alcoholic. Off hand I'd have to agree with his assessment, because if Richard is an alcoholic he's certainly one of the most successful and managing one I've ever met. That being said though he does share some of our traits. He's into acquiring things, pleasing people, assuaging the opinions of others and a touch manic in my opinion. I think he's at least a potential addict/alcoholic, his life is going well for now though. So whatever brought him to A.A. in the past has either left his life or been 'dealt' with. But the potential for a similar situation is always lurking behind the scenes, that' enough though, now I'm brimming with the potential of taking his inventory.
Potential... it doesn't always mean something good. My 'wisdom' on this subject is that anyone can become an addict or an alcoholic because it's not about the amount of the substances one abuses but rather how they feel when they're doing the using. I reality Richards grasping nature is probably far less than I perceive it to be. He hasn't asked me anything I probably wouldn't ask in his situation. About the only thing I feel was innapropriate was him telling me that he vouched for me regarding 'K', when really what he was doing was asking me in a veiled way if I had stolen from the guy. Then letting me know that if I stole anything from him he would fuck me up. That hurt me, not because he attacked my character but because he felt the need to 'flex' this statement in front of my friend Elizabeth. Richard likes to direct people, which is also a trait of my people. But I consider him a friend so I'm working on just accepting how he is and considering how I can be there for him and not accept any emotional abuse/manipulation in the process. I still believe that Elizabeth is a potential alcoholic or addict. Do I think this because I can 'smell' my own 'kind', or because I feel like she understands me...or both... or neither? Do I want them to be like me because they are the closest I have to friends at this point? I hope not.
Things change, plans change, people change. I'm going to the university after this to get started on the final touches of my admissions process. Not sure I'll make it to plasma this week or for today at least. If I don't donate plasma I'll workout. I've come to far to take a backward step at this point.
Today is all about the next best things. I just now realized that I spend so much 'Stall' time convincing myself that everything will be alright when I could simply accept this concept as a fact of my existence. Lyle at the coffee shop told me that Eve was here this morning looking for me. Which is odd because she was the last thing I thought about last night before I went to sleep. So... to see or not to see... that is the question.
Considering that everything will be alright... why should I avoid anything or anyone?
My day swings into action at noon. If 'K' shows up at the coffee shop I'll work today, if he doesn't I'll go to Eve's. From there who knows?
Leona is back with the fellowship. She was at the coffee shop last night, looking fine as usual;
"Max! Been doing any 'poonjin'!" She asked me emphatically.
"Actually I've been avoiding it." I replied with a smirk.
Lately it feels like everyone but me think I should be in a relationship. Sometimes I think I should too but what would 'that' look like in my situation? There's plenty of time for romance when I'm not homeless... in my opinion. As to what Max would look like in a relationship or who he would be with, that is intriguingly uncharted territory. Intriguing but ultimately irrelevant.
I'm exceedingly grateful to Richard for the place to stay and all that he's done for me these past few weeks, but I feel like he's putting some unfair expectations on me and my time. He feels like a very grasping person to me, someone that wants others to conform aggressively to his unique worldview. Two nights ago he told me that he'd been in A.A.for a brief period of time but found out, or came to the conclusion that he wasn't an alcoholic. Off hand I'd have to agree with his assessment, because if Richard is an alcoholic he's certainly one of the most successful and managing one I've ever met. That being said though he does share some of our traits. He's into acquiring things, pleasing people, assuaging the opinions of others and a touch manic in my opinion. I think he's at least a potential addict/alcoholic, his life is going well for now though. So whatever brought him to A.A. in the past has either left his life or been 'dealt' with. But the potential for a similar situation is always lurking behind the scenes, that' enough though, now I'm brimming with the potential of taking his inventory.
Potential... it doesn't always mean something good. My 'wisdom' on this subject is that anyone can become an addict or an alcoholic because it's not about the amount of the substances one abuses but rather how they feel when they're doing the using. I reality Richards grasping nature is probably far less than I perceive it to be. He hasn't asked me anything I probably wouldn't ask in his situation. About the only thing I feel was innapropriate was him telling me that he vouched for me regarding 'K', when really what he was doing was asking me in a veiled way if I had stolen from the guy. Then letting me know that if I stole anything from him he would fuck me up. That hurt me, not because he attacked my character but because he felt the need to 'flex' this statement in front of my friend Elizabeth. Richard likes to direct people, which is also a trait of my people. But I consider him a friend so I'm working on just accepting how he is and considering how I can be there for him and not accept any emotional abuse/manipulation in the process. I still believe that Elizabeth is a potential alcoholic or addict. Do I think this because I can 'smell' my own 'kind', or because I feel like she understands me...or both... or neither? Do I want them to be like me because they are the closest I have to friends at this point? I hope not.
Things change, plans change, people change. I'm going to the university after this to get started on the final touches of my admissions process. Not sure I'll make it to plasma this week or for today at least. If I don't donate plasma I'll workout. I've come to far to take a backward step at this point.
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