July 20th, 2012
Things with Eve went well, my concerns with Richard trying to manipulate me have somewhat dissolved, Meadow doesn't hate me, I'm not fat, I'm not stupid, and I'm definitely not of the hopeless variety. Today revealed a huge flaw in my character, I underestimate almost everyone, misjudge reality, and have a propensity for seeing things that aren't real. My only real strength lately has been forward movement despite all the imaginary threats I perceive around me. It's fucked up that I just realized all of this because I've been reading about this exact fucking thing in my latest book on Buddhism! Reality is never what you think it is because you're always the one thinking about it and you only think about reality in terms relative to yourself.
I saw Bianca yesterday on my way to the admissions office, she took me a little wooden veranda near the University library and we chatted while she ate her lunch. A pouch of lemon pepper tuna and some buttered crackers. True to her character Bianca was extremely vague about the goings-on in her life. What I gathered was scant but the one clarified fact she divulged to me was that she recently had some sort of mental breakdown three weeks ago and just recently signed herself out of a mental clinic. She may have eluded to having sex with an older man... not really sure... like I said... vague;
"... if my ex and his girlfriend were here right now...I'd give them a big hug and wish them the best."
That was when it hit me, Bianca has had a complete psychic change. Whatever it was that happened to her it doesn't really matter, whatever it was it brought her sharply back to 'reality'. She's more herself than I've seen in a long time, it made me feel happy for her and hopeful for myself at the same time. It's possible that she's more herself now than she's ever been before.I'm grateful to see it, and to see it through sober eyes.
For a long time I wanted to be popular, I am. I wanted real friends again, I have them. Now I see it, why so many of us isolate ourselves and choose to invest in shallow relationships. Real popularity requires being a real person and true friendships require real vulnerability, a state most of us are sadly disinterested in, possibly because we hate our real selves and have crafted what we perceive to be more interesting or more valuable persona's. Persona's that are ultimately lies and ironically prevent us from attaining the very thing we wished to achieve by crafting them. Interpersonal understanding and intimacy. Suffering alone in silence behind a mask of invulnerability we spiral deeper into an alienated realm that we adamantly convince ourselves no one else can understand, seldom or perhaps never realizing that the only way to ascend from this pit is to remove the mask and let the world see us as we really are. To realize that we are all desperately seeking to understand each other while trying to remain hidden from the understanding of others.
To truly love one person is to love the world, it's not easy to love everyone, but it's not supposed to be.
Things with Eve went well, my concerns with Richard trying to manipulate me have somewhat dissolved, Meadow doesn't hate me, I'm not fat, I'm not stupid, and I'm definitely not of the hopeless variety. Today revealed a huge flaw in my character, I underestimate almost everyone, misjudge reality, and have a propensity for seeing things that aren't real. My only real strength lately has been forward movement despite all the imaginary threats I perceive around me. It's fucked up that I just realized all of this because I've been reading about this exact fucking thing in my latest book on Buddhism! Reality is never what you think it is because you're always the one thinking about it and you only think about reality in terms relative to yourself.
I saw Bianca yesterday on my way to the admissions office, she took me a little wooden veranda near the University library and we chatted while she ate her lunch. A pouch of lemon pepper tuna and some buttered crackers. True to her character Bianca was extremely vague about the goings-on in her life. What I gathered was scant but the one clarified fact she divulged to me was that she recently had some sort of mental breakdown three weeks ago and just recently signed herself out of a mental clinic. She may have eluded to having sex with an older man... not really sure... like I said... vague;
"... if my ex and his girlfriend were here right now...I'd give them a big hug and wish them the best."
That was when it hit me, Bianca has had a complete psychic change. Whatever it was that happened to her it doesn't really matter, whatever it was it brought her sharply back to 'reality'. She's more herself than I've seen in a long time, it made me feel happy for her and hopeful for myself at the same time. It's possible that she's more herself now than she's ever been before.I'm grateful to see it, and to see it through sober eyes.
For a long time I wanted to be popular, I am. I wanted real friends again, I have them. Now I see it, why so many of us isolate ourselves and choose to invest in shallow relationships. Real popularity requires being a real person and true friendships require real vulnerability, a state most of us are sadly disinterested in, possibly because we hate our real selves and have crafted what we perceive to be more interesting or more valuable persona's. Persona's that are ultimately lies and ironically prevent us from attaining the very thing we wished to achieve by crafting them. Interpersonal understanding and intimacy. Suffering alone in silence behind a mask of invulnerability we spiral deeper into an alienated realm that we adamantly convince ourselves no one else can understand, seldom or perhaps never realizing that the only way to ascend from this pit is to remove the mask and let the world see us as we really are. To realize that we are all desperately seeking to understand each other while trying to remain hidden from the understanding of others.
To truly love one person is to love the world, it's not easy to love everyone, but it's not supposed to be.
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