( I was cleaning my apartment last week when I found my red journal, that is to say the journal before the one I just finished transcribing in my last post. I had thought that it was in my storage unit but as it happens I found it stuffed into a bock of hammer white printer paper underneath my bed in my super efficiency apartment. I started the red journal almost exactly one month after my last drink. Some of the idea's are crude and it's no where near as brilliant as I thought it was when I first wrote it, but I hope that some alcoholic somewhere will be able to glean some wisdom from it's pages. I would have started with this journal, but like I said I couldn't find it. Anyway jumping back in time like this gives it a kind of 'Tarantino' feel.)
January 23rd, 2012
Sick. Couldn't think my way out of it, so I'm going to use this time to start another journal. One month, one day and fifteen hours sober . Nine AA meetings in ten days. A new place, a new roommate, a new chance to make it right again and one hell of a cold. Have I been pushing too hard? Perhaps. Is this cold a message to slow down? Perhaps. Feels like the fight of my life, probably because it is. I wear my unflinching honesty like proud armor now, not saying their aren't some chinks in it. my soul is strong though, strong as it's ever been, but my body is a mess. Lips chapped, nose running constantly, throat dry and scratchy. Staying with Becky has been a blessing to me. I wonder if she even know she's the best person I know? Kinder and more selfless that the hippest of hippies. Real hippies who would give you the shirt off their back or their last sandwich if they thought it would make a difference. I could pay her back ten-fold and I'd still be in her debt till the end of my days. It would be easy to slip now. Insomnia, lack of appetite, and sickness plague me, hound me. But my will is strong and I can't explain it. It's a miracle. For so long I lived selfishly, the irony being tha ti ended up with very few of the material things I wanted. AA has blessed me, let me give of myself and in giving I have gained the most tremendous return; my life. It's five in the morning now, I'm going to try to sleep.
January 23rd, 12pm
Still sick, couldn't breathe to sleep, so I stayed awake, I feel like something is moving in my brain. Like I'm undergoing a metamorphosis. Might just be my sinuses. With all the shit happening lately I feel like... I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not numb but I'm not really feeling anything either. My call to Mandy yesterday was weird. I was incredibly nervous but I think I was also actually myself, which is weird for me at this point. Going to try to sleep again for a few hours. I'd like to go to a meeting tonight but I don't want anyone getting sick because of me. Hopefully some sleep will clear my brain. who will I be when I wake up?
January 23rd, 2012
Sick. Couldn't think my way out of it, so I'm going to use this time to start another journal. One month, one day and fifteen hours sober . Nine AA meetings in ten days. A new place, a new roommate, a new chance to make it right again and one hell of a cold. Have I been pushing too hard? Perhaps. Is this cold a message to slow down? Perhaps. Feels like the fight of my life, probably because it is. I wear my unflinching honesty like proud armor now, not saying their aren't some chinks in it. my soul is strong though, strong as it's ever been, but my body is a mess. Lips chapped, nose running constantly, throat dry and scratchy. Staying with Becky has been a blessing to me. I wonder if she even know she's the best person I know? Kinder and more selfless that the hippest of hippies. Real hippies who would give you the shirt off their back or their last sandwich if they thought it would make a difference. I could pay her back ten-fold and I'd still be in her debt till the end of my days. It would be easy to slip now. Insomnia, lack of appetite, and sickness plague me, hound me. But my will is strong and I can't explain it. It's a miracle. For so long I lived selfishly, the irony being tha ti ended up with very few of the material things I wanted. AA has blessed me, let me give of myself and in giving I have gained the most tremendous return; my life. It's five in the morning now, I'm going to try to sleep.
January 23rd, 12pm
Still sick, couldn't breathe to sleep, so I stayed awake, I feel like something is moving in my brain. Like I'm undergoing a metamorphosis. Might just be my sinuses. With all the shit happening lately I feel like... I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not numb but I'm not really feeling anything either. My call to Mandy yesterday was weird. I was incredibly nervous but I think I was also actually myself, which is weird for me at this point. Going to try to sleep again for a few hours. I'd like to go to a meeting tonight but I don't want anyone getting sick because of me. Hopefully some sleep will clear my brain. who will I be when I wake up?
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