October 8th, 2012
Breaking back into my routine today, I keep saying that so as one might surmise my previous attempts to get back into my routine have utterly failed. I've been a ghost at meetings lately, in late out early. Need to get a solid start on my Step 8 list before I start to backslide. This prolonged relationship with Eve has enabled some of my worst characteristics to flare up, mainly my near god-like powers of putting things off for later. ' Procrasturbation'. I cherish my time with her though and it isn't her fault, ultimately I'm the one that keeps me from me moving forward and no one else. I know for certain that things would be easier if Eve and I stopped seeing each other. I also know that she knows it too, but we've both been looking for 'wiggleroom' on the topic of us. I've been 'wiggling' out of meeting lately, ridiculously fearful of judgement, not for dating a significantly older woman but for dating someone in the program with less 'sobriety' than me. Though technically she has much more sobriety then I do if you add it up retroactively. *wiggle, wiggle*. Her sponsor has been a really demanding lately, speaking in absolutes, demanding her to do things (mainly to ditch me), and I feel generally trying to imprint Eve with her misandry. Nothing like teaching your sponsee's how to violate tradition one by example. I'm too close to all of it, that's why I've been looking for distance. Distance from fear, fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of that;
" I should have been somewhere by now..."
... voice inside my head. That and the exploration of the blossoming feelings in my heart for Eve lead me to spend more time with her. Much to the exclusion of anyone or anything else. Deep, deep down I feel like I don't really need AA anymore, but that they need me. Both statements are true and false. I don't need anyone and they don't need me, and I need them and they need me. Both are true, not one and not two. Thanks Buddha!
The truth is that I feel like I could probably stay sober on my own, I think I have the tools, the understanding, and the willingness to stay sober without meetings or a sponsor, or any of the corresponding bullshit that comes along with the 'fellowship'. But I wouldn't help anyone and avoiding unsavory things is too much like the old me to lead to anything good. The old me, the scared me, the frightened me, the blackout drunk for twelve years me, the me who couldn't leave the apartment for fear that someone would recognize me from the bar the night before... me. I can't afford to be afraid anymore, feeding my fears left me spiritually and practically bankrupt the last time. I need to make some deposits.
Breaking back into my routine today, I keep saying that so as one might surmise my previous attempts to get back into my routine have utterly failed. I've been a ghost at meetings lately, in late out early. Need to get a solid start on my Step 8 list before I start to backslide. This prolonged relationship with Eve has enabled some of my worst characteristics to flare up, mainly my near god-like powers of putting things off for later. ' Procrasturbation'. I cherish my time with her though and it isn't her fault, ultimately I'm the one that keeps me from me moving forward and no one else. I know for certain that things would be easier if Eve and I stopped seeing each other. I also know that she knows it too, but we've both been looking for 'wiggleroom' on the topic of us. I've been 'wiggling' out of meeting lately, ridiculously fearful of judgement, not for dating a significantly older woman but for dating someone in the program with less 'sobriety' than me. Though technically she has much more sobriety then I do if you add it up retroactively. *wiggle, wiggle*. Her sponsor has been a really demanding lately, speaking in absolutes, demanding her to do things (mainly to ditch me), and I feel generally trying to imprint Eve with her misandry. Nothing like teaching your sponsee's how to violate tradition one by example. I'm too close to all of it, that's why I've been looking for distance. Distance from fear, fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of that;
" I should have been somewhere by now..."
... voice inside my head. That and the exploration of the blossoming feelings in my heart for Eve lead me to spend more time with her. Much to the exclusion of anyone or anything else. Deep, deep down I feel like I don't really need AA anymore, but that they need me. Both statements are true and false. I don't need anyone and they don't need me, and I need them and they need me. Both are true, not one and not two. Thanks Buddha!
The truth is that I feel like I could probably stay sober on my own, I think I have the tools, the understanding, and the willingness to stay sober without meetings or a sponsor, or any of the corresponding bullshit that comes along with the 'fellowship'. But I wouldn't help anyone and avoiding unsavory things is too much like the old me to lead to anything good. The old me, the scared me, the frightened me, the blackout drunk for twelve years me, the me who couldn't leave the apartment for fear that someone would recognize me from the bar the night before... me. I can't afford to be afraid anymore, feeding my fears left me spiritually and practically bankrupt the last time. I need to make some deposits.
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