October 22nd, 2012
Today was the first time I saw Eve since we split on Saturday, her sponsor was present, I suppose to insure we didn't speak.
" Hi." I said pushing the storage cart up to the back of her sponsors SUV. Eve was silent as I loaded my stuff from her apartment onto the cart.
" Did you get your stuff back?" I asked, Eve didn't say anything, just nodded. I continued to load my stuff onto the cart. My computer, some clothes, and some World of Warcraft cards mostly.
" Is that all of it?" I asked in reference to my stuff.
" Yeah the girly stuff in the back is mine." Said Eves sponsor.
" I thought that was my bottle of Downy." I said jestingly. The joke fell flat.
" Well thank you, I guess I'll see you." Eve still said nothing.
Eve's sponsor has dictated that she isn't allowed to have contact with me, I guess she can't even speak to me at this point. It all felt wrong, it felt punitive, then I remembered that it's none of my business what other people think of me, even Eves sponsor (Even though she's broken several traditions on a regular basis since I've know her, even though she's a certified manhater through and through, even though she has the word 'Betrayal' tattooed on her ankle next to a numeric date, even though all of that). I thanked Eves sponsor for hauling my stuff then thanked her again;
" Thanks for giving her the courage to do what I didn't have the strength to do." Was all I could think to say.
".... it happens." said her sponsor.
Then they left, pulling out of the storage garage into a sudden torrential downpour. I felt like the world was crying for me. I could have vocally taken her sponsors inventory, but I didn't. I don't want anything that that woman has. I could be bitter... but I'm not. If this is some kind of punitive action then it's all on her sponsors head, not mine. I'm the biggest emotional she has on Eve to make her do what she wants and rather than pull the trigger I'm taking the gunpowder out of her bullets. I texted my sponsor from the eaves of a restaurant several blocks later;
" Hey, just wanted to tell you Eve and her sponsor just dropped my stuff off at my storage unit. Eve wasn't allowed to speak to me, I kind of thought that would be the case. Headed for the library now, will call you after the meeting tonight. "
A few minutes later he responded;
" Wow, sounds like that was a lot harsher than it needed to be. Some of the female sponsorship is pretty directive. Are you okay?"
I responded;
" Yeah I just clung to the idea that it's not my business, nor does it matter what her sponsor thinks of me. I don't own any of her shit."
He responded;
" That is correct, let it go."
I responded;
" I never grabbed onto it."
He responded;
"Right on, and I think we are both learning about issues with relationships in early recovery, they apparently can cause a chain reaction of shit."
Me;
" Indeed, still I'm grateful for having had this relationship. This is real life shit, like the shit I've been avoiding most of mine."
After that I hit up the library and then the meeting at 5'oclock where into 'MG' from the other day. We were both standing outside waiting for people to show up;
" You kind of offended me the other day when you said my church was spreading like cancer."
" You said that didn't offend you though." I countered.
This led to a discussion about my intense dislike of Religious institutions and the affect they have on the property taxes. The emphasis is that I like Christians just as much as I like other people, I just dislike their institutions... i.e. churches. Eve and her sponsor showed up for the meeting giving me a shaky 'hello' on the way in. 'MG' and I were continuing our conversation when Eve and her sponsor came back outside, climbed into her SUV and left. 'MG' looked at me kind of puzzled by their rapid departure. I told him about Eve and I...and her sponsor.
"Really?" Said 'MG' " She's not allowed to talk to you?? That sounds a little punitive. AA is about healing, not punishing."
Couldn't have said it better.
Today was the first time I saw Eve since we split on Saturday, her sponsor was present, I suppose to insure we didn't speak.
" Hi." I said pushing the storage cart up to the back of her sponsors SUV. Eve was silent as I loaded my stuff from her apartment onto the cart.
" Did you get your stuff back?" I asked, Eve didn't say anything, just nodded. I continued to load my stuff onto the cart. My computer, some clothes, and some World of Warcraft cards mostly.
" Is that all of it?" I asked in reference to my stuff.
" Yeah the girly stuff in the back is mine." Said Eves sponsor.
" I thought that was my bottle of Downy." I said jestingly. The joke fell flat.
" Well thank you, I guess I'll see you." Eve still said nothing.
Eve's sponsor has dictated that she isn't allowed to have contact with me, I guess she can't even speak to me at this point. It all felt wrong, it felt punitive, then I remembered that it's none of my business what other people think of me, even Eves sponsor (Even though she's broken several traditions on a regular basis since I've know her, even though she's a certified manhater through and through, even though she has the word 'Betrayal' tattooed on her ankle next to a numeric date, even though all of that). I thanked Eves sponsor for hauling my stuff then thanked her again;
" Thanks for giving her the courage to do what I didn't have the strength to do." Was all I could think to say.
".... it happens." said her sponsor.
Then they left, pulling out of the storage garage into a sudden torrential downpour. I felt like the world was crying for me. I could have vocally taken her sponsors inventory, but I didn't. I don't want anything that that woman has. I could be bitter... but I'm not. If this is some kind of punitive action then it's all on her sponsors head, not mine. I'm the biggest emotional she has on Eve to make her do what she wants and rather than pull the trigger I'm taking the gunpowder out of her bullets. I texted my sponsor from the eaves of a restaurant several blocks later;
" Hey, just wanted to tell you Eve and her sponsor just dropped my stuff off at my storage unit. Eve wasn't allowed to speak to me, I kind of thought that would be the case. Headed for the library now, will call you after the meeting tonight. "
A few minutes later he responded;
" Wow, sounds like that was a lot harsher than it needed to be. Some of the female sponsorship is pretty directive. Are you okay?"
I responded;
" Yeah I just clung to the idea that it's not my business, nor does it matter what her sponsor thinks of me. I don't own any of her shit."
He responded;
" That is correct, let it go."
I responded;
" I never grabbed onto it."
He responded;
"Right on, and I think we are both learning about issues with relationships in early recovery, they apparently can cause a chain reaction of shit."
Me;
" Indeed, still I'm grateful for having had this relationship. This is real life shit, like the shit I've been avoiding most of mine."
After that I hit up the library and then the meeting at 5'oclock where into 'MG' from the other day. We were both standing outside waiting for people to show up;
" You kind of offended me the other day when you said my church was spreading like cancer."
" You said that didn't offend you though." I countered.
This led to a discussion about my intense dislike of Religious institutions and the affect they have on the property taxes. The emphasis is that I like Christians just as much as I like other people, I just dislike their institutions... i.e. churches. Eve and her sponsor showed up for the meeting giving me a shaky 'hello' on the way in. 'MG' and I were continuing our conversation when Eve and her sponsor came back outside, climbed into her SUV and left. 'MG' looked at me kind of puzzled by their rapid departure. I told him about Eve and I...and her sponsor.
"Really?" Said 'MG' " She's not allowed to talk to you?? That sounds a little punitive. AA is about healing, not punishing."
Couldn't have said it better.
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