Welcome To My New (old) Journal

July 8th, 2012

        Welcome to my new (old) Journal. No expectations, no absolutes, just life as it unfolds and my effort to catch a piece of it in words. I spot checked my emotional inventory today, only fitting considering some of my recent woes. But when I step back and try to see myself objectively I realize that I am a creature of extremes, then I become aware that I am too hard on myself. When I concentrate on one aspect of my life all other aspects suffer as do the people around me. Alas, One needs do what One needs do and more, One need want to do what One needs do ( I think I thought myself into a circle here, bear with me). In other words what you need to do and what you want to do starts as two and becomes one (hopefully). Is this living in the 'vow' as Buddhists see it? Yes! Living in Vow means living in Now. I am not weightlifting Max, or Homeless Max, or Alcoholic Max, or Buddhist Max, or even Max. And yet I am. I am not the sum of the worlds perceptions of me... and yet I am. Like God, I am. But I am only in this moment, and this moment/reality/universe is the only thing that see's me truly... and I might never know what 'It' see's. Beyond that, I'll never know how anyone truly see's me either, and it's not my place to worry about it. I don't know what my place in this world is, but I know what it isn't. or I think I know, and I think that knowing what not to do is more important than knowing what to do. Today I played Chess with Scott, I lost as usual but when it was over I realized that I hadn't thought about anything else the whole time. I was playing Chess and that was it, and that is Zen. Doing what you're doing without room for everything you're not doing. ~ I did well too, not great but well~. Afterward I played Cribbage with a new acquaintance, Brittany. I played well, still lost but I was able to focus on the counting and engage her in conversation wholeheartedly. I was a little nervous, what what hetero male isn't nervous when he's speaking to a significantly younger college student of the opposite sex?