August 10th, 2012
Being able to see whats going on inside your head isn't always easy. In fact I'm pretty sure it's never easy. Our minds are devious creatures, even to ourselves. The mind can move in many directions at once. If you don't reign it in from time to time your mind can and will drag you to places you never wanted to go. After walking the streets for twelve hours last night my mind and body did a great deal of wandering. It was frustrating and irritating but when I got my mind back under control and in neutral I was rewarded with some clarity. I knew what I needed to do to re-center myself spiritually. All of these plans I've been making in my head, college, studying abroad, Naropa University in Colorado, all of it has to go! I'm way too attached to my perceived future.I've been planning for the future at the expense of the present.And when one principle or preset or precept falls others are soon to follow. Now that I'm back on the path it's easier to see where I went astray. Now is now, next week is next week, and after that is after that. The now is all that I need be concerned with.
" Take care of the present with wholeheartedness, and let the future take care of itself, forget the past and embrace the present. Now isn't just where it's at, now is all there is."
My self inflicted insomnia emptied my karmic trash can squarely over my own head. I've rid myself of several difficult situations in the last 48 hours. Eve and I are on a break, I returned the expensive cellphone I found on the street (was tempted to keep it), which just leaves the thing with S.A.D to resolve. Though I was exhausted I knew what I had to do and set about doing it. Zen wisdom, if you know what you have to do just do it, Nike's slogan isn't 'Just think about it'. I showered at the YMCA and sat in the sauna with Joel for a while and listened to his latest weightlifting tip.
"Russian weightlifters will sit in a sauna after lifting then take a cold shower and repeat the process several times. The heat moves the lactic acid out of the muscles and the cold moves it back in for faster absorption."
I nodded as Joel explained the advantages. After that the conversation turned to Alcoholism and Philosophy where it promptly degenerated. I talked about the illusion of control and how people tend to think that things are happening TO them when in reality we have no control of what happens to us... only our reaction to it. So in reality nothing is really happening TO you, it's just happening. Reality itself is not some malicious entity that just does stuff to you to piss you off in other words...shit happens. Joel wants to have control, wants to invest in the idea that he can control the outcome of his life and his efforts. Most people buy into this idea because the alternative, a world of chaos where random shit just happens, is terrifying. Joel wants to drink his two beers at home alone every night and call it quits. Unfortunately he's been having a problem putting it down after two and tells me that when he gets really smashed he almost always has suicidal thoughts. He also mentioned that he likes to drink for the 'health benefits', specifically the B-vitamin content. Joel wants to control his drinking, but I mentioned that just by trying to control your drinking you're admitting that you have a problem. Normal people don't try to control their drinking, normal people can put it down after a beer or two and be fine. An Alcoholic cannot. Trying to control your drinking is just an expression of the frustration that comes from not being able to control it. i don't know if Joel is an alcoholic but if he is the 'control experiment' he's doing will eventually end and end badly more like than not. I always feel like he's trying to find an alcoholic loophole to take away from our conversations. Something like;
"I'm not an alcoholic because I'm not homeless and unemployed like that Max guy."
After my conversation with Joel I ran in JP and apologized for cancelling our meeting yesterday. We had a small chat;
"Just keep in mind we have some work to do when I get back from my trip. Take care of yourself and call me if anything happens that you need some perspective on."
I assured him that I would.
I tried not to think too much about what to say to Eve on my walk to her apartment. I don't like being well rehearsed, it can make you sound disingenuous especially when the discussion is probably going to change your relationship drastically. When I got into her apartment I knew that she knew that something was up. She looked tired and sick and there was an unpaid medical bill sitting open on the kitchen table.
"You look tired." I blurted mid-hug.
" I just got up..." Eve replied.
"Just got up? I thought you worked today."
" I called in." Eve sat at the kitchen table and lit a menthol cigarette with her yellow bic.
" We need to talk Eve..." I began.
" I knew this was gonna be the talk when you said you wanted to hang out yesterday, I knew, I told my friend I knew..."
So we talked.
"I'm worried about you Eve."
"I'm fucked up, I'm sick." Eve fingered the paper on the table looking down for a moment.
"With what?" I asked rolling a cigarette.
"My heart is slowing down..."
"How bad is it?" I lit my cigarette.
" I've been sick for a while Max." Eve folded up the paper on the table and tucked it under some other papers. Then she turned to me and smiled putting her hand over mine.
" You don't have to feel bad about anything we did, it happened because I wanted it to happen."
I didn't feel bad about what we did. I felt bad that I couldn't be the one for her. The One... you know. Eve has had such a shitty life when it comes to men and relationships, I couldn't tell her that though, it would just make things harder. We talked a little while longer.
"Do you think you're dying Eve?"
She smiled sadly. " We all die Max."
" Yeah but are you going to die soon... I want to know."
"I don't want to answer that." Eve said gently.
Her phone rang cutting off the long silence between us.
"Yes, uh huh, alright... tell the doctor I will be there."
After that we talked a little more, then took a nap in her bed together, when I woke up she was on the phone again in the other room. From what I could gather she was talking to a cemetery caretaker in a nearby town.
" I have the permit and the ashes, I put off doing this last winter but I'm ready to do it now."
Eve drove me to Walgreens before taking me back to the shelter. I bought earplugs for my sanity and odor-eaters for my shoes...and probably everyone elses sanity. This upcoming weekend we're going to another town to bury Eves sisters ashes. We discussed some other things...but for now I don't want to write about them... maybe someday, but not right now. I can't leave the present moment even if it's terrible. Now is the truth, all there is... is now.
Being able to see whats going on inside your head isn't always easy. In fact I'm pretty sure it's never easy. Our minds are devious creatures, even to ourselves. The mind can move in many directions at once. If you don't reign it in from time to time your mind can and will drag you to places you never wanted to go. After walking the streets for twelve hours last night my mind and body did a great deal of wandering. It was frustrating and irritating but when I got my mind back under control and in neutral I was rewarded with some clarity. I knew what I needed to do to re-center myself spiritually. All of these plans I've been making in my head, college, studying abroad, Naropa University in Colorado, all of it has to go! I'm way too attached to my perceived future.I've been planning for the future at the expense of the present.And when one principle or preset or precept falls others are soon to follow. Now that I'm back on the path it's easier to see where I went astray. Now is now, next week is next week, and after that is after that. The now is all that I need be concerned with.
" Take care of the present with wholeheartedness, and let the future take care of itself, forget the past and embrace the present. Now isn't just where it's at, now is all there is."
My self inflicted insomnia emptied my karmic trash can squarely over my own head. I've rid myself of several difficult situations in the last 48 hours. Eve and I are on a break, I returned the expensive cellphone I found on the street (was tempted to keep it), which just leaves the thing with S.A.D to resolve. Though I was exhausted I knew what I had to do and set about doing it. Zen wisdom, if you know what you have to do just do it, Nike's slogan isn't 'Just think about it'. I showered at the YMCA and sat in the sauna with Joel for a while and listened to his latest weightlifting tip.
"Russian weightlifters will sit in a sauna after lifting then take a cold shower and repeat the process several times. The heat moves the lactic acid out of the muscles and the cold moves it back in for faster absorption."
I nodded as Joel explained the advantages. After that the conversation turned to Alcoholism and Philosophy where it promptly degenerated. I talked about the illusion of control and how people tend to think that things are happening TO them when in reality we have no control of what happens to us... only our reaction to it. So in reality nothing is really happening TO you, it's just happening. Reality itself is not some malicious entity that just does stuff to you to piss you off in other words...shit happens. Joel wants to have control, wants to invest in the idea that he can control the outcome of his life and his efforts. Most people buy into this idea because the alternative, a world of chaos where random shit just happens, is terrifying. Joel wants to drink his two beers at home alone every night and call it quits. Unfortunately he's been having a problem putting it down after two and tells me that when he gets really smashed he almost always has suicidal thoughts. He also mentioned that he likes to drink for the 'health benefits', specifically the B-vitamin content. Joel wants to control his drinking, but I mentioned that just by trying to control your drinking you're admitting that you have a problem. Normal people don't try to control their drinking, normal people can put it down after a beer or two and be fine. An Alcoholic cannot. Trying to control your drinking is just an expression of the frustration that comes from not being able to control it. i don't know if Joel is an alcoholic but if he is the 'control experiment' he's doing will eventually end and end badly more like than not. I always feel like he's trying to find an alcoholic loophole to take away from our conversations. Something like;
"I'm not an alcoholic because I'm not homeless and unemployed like that Max guy."
After my conversation with Joel I ran in JP and apologized for cancelling our meeting yesterday. We had a small chat;
"Just keep in mind we have some work to do when I get back from my trip. Take care of yourself and call me if anything happens that you need some perspective on."
I assured him that I would.
I tried not to think too much about what to say to Eve on my walk to her apartment. I don't like being well rehearsed, it can make you sound disingenuous especially when the discussion is probably going to change your relationship drastically. When I got into her apartment I knew that she knew that something was up. She looked tired and sick and there was an unpaid medical bill sitting open on the kitchen table.
"You look tired." I blurted mid-hug.
" I just got up..." Eve replied.
"Just got up? I thought you worked today."
" I called in." Eve sat at the kitchen table and lit a menthol cigarette with her yellow bic.
" We need to talk Eve..." I began.
" I knew this was gonna be the talk when you said you wanted to hang out yesterday, I knew, I told my friend I knew..."
So we talked.
"I'm worried about you Eve."
"I'm fucked up, I'm sick." Eve fingered the paper on the table looking down for a moment.
"With what?" I asked rolling a cigarette.
"My heart is slowing down..."
"How bad is it?" I lit my cigarette.
" I've been sick for a while Max." Eve folded up the paper on the table and tucked it under some other papers. Then she turned to me and smiled putting her hand over mine.
" You don't have to feel bad about anything we did, it happened because I wanted it to happen."
I didn't feel bad about what we did. I felt bad that I couldn't be the one for her. The One... you know. Eve has had such a shitty life when it comes to men and relationships, I couldn't tell her that though, it would just make things harder. We talked a little while longer.
"Do you think you're dying Eve?"
She smiled sadly. " We all die Max."
" Yeah but are you going to die soon... I want to know."
"I don't want to answer that." Eve said gently.
Her phone rang cutting off the long silence between us.
"Yes, uh huh, alright... tell the doctor I will be there."
After that we talked a little more, then took a nap in her bed together, when I woke up she was on the phone again in the other room. From what I could gather she was talking to a cemetery caretaker in a nearby town.
" I have the permit and the ashes, I put off doing this last winter but I'm ready to do it now."
Eve drove me to Walgreens before taking me back to the shelter. I bought earplugs for my sanity and odor-eaters for my shoes...and probably everyone elses sanity. This upcoming weekend we're going to another town to bury Eves sisters ashes. We discussed some other things...but for now I don't want to write about them... maybe someday, but not right now. I can't leave the present moment even if it's terrible. Now is the truth, all there is... is now.
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