July 23rd, 2012
Saturday night was rough Bianca wasn't home after the meeting. Not only that but Eve was still out of town at her sisters and Richard had made it abundantly clear that I wouldn't be able to stay at his place for quite a while. The Richard thing stuck in my craw at first but now it doesn't really offend me anymore. I understand his character much better now outside of any addict/alcoholic mentalities might have. Richard really cares what other people think of him, well maybe not me but I'm a whole different kind of entity from a person, at least I feel like I am. Richard knows I'm friends with Elizabeth, his pseudo-girlfriend, and Al, his pseudo-friend, so Richard 'bigshots' around them at least in my regard. That whole bromantic 'you can stay here whenever' speech he gave a week ago. But ultimately he cares more what his paying roommate Aaron thinks. One of his off-hand statements gave me a lot insight into the real Richard not too long ago, he said;
" I have a hard enough time already controlling what people think of me."
Richard finds almost all of his validation in the opinions of other people. When he feels that the people around him don't see him 'correctly' he starting acting like a 'bigshot' trying to adjust how they feel about him. To reclaim their opinion of him as he wants it to be.
Like last night.
Having no lodging for the evening I found myself in the employee smoking area behind my favorite coffee shot. There's an overhand and walls on three side, so it's pretty snug, not a lot of wind but I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and sore about sleeping outside. I was starting to drift off when out of no where I spot Elizabeth Richard running past the mouth of the 'mini alley' where I'm holed up. Suddenly I hear this giant 'Bang!' and the bright myriad colors of professional grade fireworks come sizzling into my vision. Creeping forward slightly I spot Richard running away down the street giggling like a little girl with his roommate Aaron. Elizabeth is walking after them looking none too amused in her high heeled shoes. I was truly angry with Richard for a long while that night, but I guess waht it boils down to is that my perception of our previous situation was inn-congruent with Richards reality. My perception is that he basically told me he like having me around at his place, that I didn't need to feel bad about being there and that I could stay as long as I wanted... that's my perception because that's what he said to me. So when he effectively told me that the invitation he had extended me was rescinded... it really hurt, I'm not saying Richard is to blame for my homelessness or that he's a bad person. I'm not going to blame him for my future problems either. I will say that Richard is passive aggressive, ego-centric in the extreme, and generally a selfish, self satisfied individual.
Honestly I think it bother me more because these are traits I've worked hard to curb in my own nature. Now I find myself going out of my way to avoid people that exhibit the very traits I used to exude. But there is no healthy way to avoid people (Not in my experience anyway) and there is no 'right' way to pass judgement on someone else or take their inventory as we say in the fellowship. The only solution is to forgive Richard and try to be his best friend. Besides that, I'm probably not addressing my insecure neediness in these negative interactions. It's just really hard not knowing where you're gonna sleep at night. It changes you if you let it, and I've been letting it.
From 7:30 am Saturday to 10:30 pm Sunday I was awake. i was so sleep deprived i actually felt drunk for a couple hours toward the end. I did my best not to let my mind devolve back into the introspective nightmare it was 'Once upon a bottle of bourbon'. I walked so far that night my legs still hurt today. Up River Street, down River Street, Up Main Street, down Wellington, over to Beaumont and down to the lake shore. park. All over. I need to conquer my fear of sleeping outside, or rather my fear of sleeping homeless, they're different. Wondering where I'll sleep takes me out of the moment, I need to just accept that wherever I sleep I'll either be fine or I won't, but just accept that I can't control the outcome, I can only shore up the odds. My 'Next Best Thing' is constantly evolving, changing, moving and warping itself to custom fit the present moment. Is that enlightement? I don't feel very enlightened.
I ran into Shelly Michaelson today, walking just off Gorm Street. She was hauling groceries from the organic co-op down the street.Shelly had most of the produce jammed into a big hemp haulbag (at least I think it was hemp) all except a big glass jug of organic milk dangling from a plastic handlestrap. I fell in beside her on the sidewalk and walked with her for a while, we talked about our plans for the future which both include school. Shell is thinking about teaching English when she graduates this December, probably in a Spanish speaking country. I like Shelly, even though she's Irish.
" That's about the color of my skin before I told it to fuck off and Tan." I said, gesturing to her jug of milk with a smirk.
" That's pretty pale, are you Irish too?" She asked.
"Even better, Scottish.":I replied.
Shelly laughed.
Saturday night was rough Bianca wasn't home after the meeting. Not only that but Eve was still out of town at her sisters and Richard had made it abundantly clear that I wouldn't be able to stay at his place for quite a while. The Richard thing stuck in my craw at first but now it doesn't really offend me anymore. I understand his character much better now outside of any addict/alcoholic mentalities might have. Richard really cares what other people think of him, well maybe not me but I'm a whole different kind of entity from a person, at least I feel like I am. Richard knows I'm friends with Elizabeth, his pseudo-girlfriend, and Al, his pseudo-friend, so Richard 'bigshots' around them at least in my regard. That whole bromantic 'you can stay here whenever' speech he gave a week ago. But ultimately he cares more what his paying roommate Aaron thinks. One of his off-hand statements gave me a lot insight into the real Richard not too long ago, he said;
" I have a hard enough time already controlling what people think of me."
Richard finds almost all of his validation in the opinions of other people. When he feels that the people around him don't see him 'correctly' he starting acting like a 'bigshot' trying to adjust how they feel about him. To reclaim their opinion of him as he wants it to be.
Like last night.
Having no lodging for the evening I found myself in the employee smoking area behind my favorite coffee shot. There's an overhand and walls on three side, so it's pretty snug, not a lot of wind but I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and sore about sleeping outside. I was starting to drift off when out of no where I spot Elizabeth Richard running past the mouth of the 'mini alley' where I'm holed up. Suddenly I hear this giant 'Bang!' and the bright myriad colors of professional grade fireworks come sizzling into my vision. Creeping forward slightly I spot Richard running away down the street giggling like a little girl with his roommate Aaron. Elizabeth is walking after them looking none too amused in her high heeled shoes. I was truly angry with Richard for a long while that night, but I guess waht it boils down to is that my perception of our previous situation was inn-congruent with Richards reality. My perception is that he basically told me he like having me around at his place, that I didn't need to feel bad about being there and that I could stay as long as I wanted... that's my perception because that's what he said to me. So when he effectively told me that the invitation he had extended me was rescinded... it really hurt, I'm not saying Richard is to blame for my homelessness or that he's a bad person. I'm not going to blame him for my future problems either. I will say that Richard is passive aggressive, ego-centric in the extreme, and generally a selfish, self satisfied individual.
Honestly I think it bother me more because these are traits I've worked hard to curb in my own nature. Now I find myself going out of my way to avoid people that exhibit the very traits I used to exude. But there is no healthy way to avoid people (Not in my experience anyway) and there is no 'right' way to pass judgement on someone else or take their inventory as we say in the fellowship. The only solution is to forgive Richard and try to be his best friend. Besides that, I'm probably not addressing my insecure neediness in these negative interactions. It's just really hard not knowing where you're gonna sleep at night. It changes you if you let it, and I've been letting it.
From 7:30 am Saturday to 10:30 pm Sunday I was awake. i was so sleep deprived i actually felt drunk for a couple hours toward the end. I did my best not to let my mind devolve back into the introspective nightmare it was 'Once upon a bottle of bourbon'. I walked so far that night my legs still hurt today. Up River Street, down River Street, Up Main Street, down Wellington, over to Beaumont and down to the lake shore. park. All over. I need to conquer my fear of sleeping outside, or rather my fear of sleeping homeless, they're different. Wondering where I'll sleep takes me out of the moment, I need to just accept that wherever I sleep I'll either be fine or I won't, but just accept that I can't control the outcome, I can only shore up the odds. My 'Next Best Thing' is constantly evolving, changing, moving and warping itself to custom fit the present moment. Is that enlightement? I don't feel very enlightened.
I ran into Shelly Michaelson today, walking just off Gorm Street. She was hauling groceries from the organic co-op down the street.Shelly had most of the produce jammed into a big hemp haulbag (at least I think it was hemp) all except a big glass jug of organic milk dangling from a plastic handlestrap. I fell in beside her on the sidewalk and walked with her for a while, we talked about our plans for the future which both include school. Shell is thinking about teaching English when she graduates this December, probably in a Spanish speaking country. I like Shelly, even though she's Irish.
" That's about the color of my skin before I told it to fuck off and Tan." I said, gesturing to her jug of milk with a smirk.
" That's pretty pale, are you Irish too?" She asked.
"Even better, Scottish.":I replied.
Shelly laughed.
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