July 14th, 2012
I feel unappreciated and it sucks. 'D' asked me if I was going to the Saturday Night Speaker meeting tonight and I'd really like to go. Unfortunately the shelter stops intake at 8pm and the only couch available for me to crash on if I attend is Rick's, and I'm not in the mood or in a good enough emotional place to hang out with a bunch of drunk stoners tonight. They're all great people but this week has been a spiritual Sledghammer. Very little of what I set out to do actually got done. Thursday night I had to sleep in a chair at the shelter, or tried to sleep in a chair at least. It didn't pan out and I ended up leaving the homeless shelter at 3 in the morning with a stiff neck. Wandered the streets until 6:45 then went to Eve's and took a long nap, after which I 'wasted' pretty much the whole day making out and watching movies.
Best waste of a day ever. But I delayed my 7th step prayer yet again.
"It's alright, I'm not your 'boss'." My sponsor 'JP' told me.
Meadow said something at a meeting I identified with... disturbingly so. She said she feels empty, later online she told me more about it. Mainly she feels really insane right now, as in actually chemically imbalance because she's on anti-depressants and depressed ( bet you didn't see that one coming...) and that she feels like a bad friend to me and everyone at times. I replied by explaining the Buddhist philosophy of Dana and 'The Arrow' view of Truth in Reality. Told her not to worry about what kind of a friend she is to me... I Love her and Love doesn't have to be mutual. I want to Love everyone in the world and expect nothing in return. The whole thing brought to mind the letters I wrote her a few months ago but never gave her. Will I ever feel right about giving them to her? I don't know, I think I'll write her another letter.
Failed to hang out with Joel yesterday, it just completely escaped my mind. Joel is a weightlifter who might be an alcoholic. I should have been there but sleep deprivation makes my brain kind of wonky. Or... was it today that we were supposed to meet a 3:00? Really not sure and besides that I have no means to get a hold of the guy. Almost finished with 'You Have to Say Something' by Dainin Katagiri ( A Zen roshi), good stuff, I like Zen but I think I'll finish the Tibetan book I'm reading before picking up another Zen Book. Balance. Dainin mention the 'Pure Land' school of Buddhism his family hold tradition with. I'd never heard of it before so I think I'll look it up at the Library. Going to use my 10 free pages of printing per day at the library to print a shit-ton of Buddhist information over the next few days. Saves me from spending money I don't have on books I might not be able to get into. Buddhist literature aimed toward western audiences is really hit or miss for readability.
Bran and his girlfriend want to learn about 'being Buddhist' and I want them to have a good opportunity to develop as Western Buddhists from the start, rather than getting sucked into 'traditionalism' like I did in the beggining. I've gotten out of my routine and when I get out of my routine things start to suck...so I need to get back into my routine and I need to do even more to stay sober and balanced.
I feel unappreciated and it sucks. 'D' asked me if I was going to the Saturday Night Speaker meeting tonight and I'd really like to go. Unfortunately the shelter stops intake at 8pm and the only couch available for me to crash on if I attend is Rick's, and I'm not in the mood or in a good enough emotional place to hang out with a bunch of drunk stoners tonight. They're all great people but this week has been a spiritual Sledghammer. Very little of what I set out to do actually got done. Thursday night I had to sleep in a chair at the shelter, or tried to sleep in a chair at least. It didn't pan out and I ended up leaving the homeless shelter at 3 in the morning with a stiff neck. Wandered the streets until 6:45 then went to Eve's and took a long nap, after which I 'wasted' pretty much the whole day making out and watching movies.
Best waste of a day ever. But I delayed my 7th step prayer yet again.
"It's alright, I'm not your 'boss'." My sponsor 'JP' told me.
Meadow said something at a meeting I identified with... disturbingly so. She said she feels empty, later online she told me more about it. Mainly she feels really insane right now, as in actually chemically imbalance because she's on anti-depressants and depressed ( bet you didn't see that one coming...) and that she feels like a bad friend to me and everyone at times. I replied by explaining the Buddhist philosophy of Dana and 'The Arrow' view of Truth in Reality. Told her not to worry about what kind of a friend she is to me... I Love her and Love doesn't have to be mutual. I want to Love everyone in the world and expect nothing in return. The whole thing brought to mind the letters I wrote her a few months ago but never gave her. Will I ever feel right about giving them to her? I don't know, I think I'll write her another letter.
Failed to hang out with Joel yesterday, it just completely escaped my mind. Joel is a weightlifter who might be an alcoholic. I should have been there but sleep deprivation makes my brain kind of wonky. Or... was it today that we were supposed to meet a 3:00? Really not sure and besides that I have no means to get a hold of the guy. Almost finished with 'You Have to Say Something' by Dainin Katagiri ( A Zen roshi), good stuff, I like Zen but I think I'll finish the Tibetan book I'm reading before picking up another Zen Book. Balance. Dainin mention the 'Pure Land' school of Buddhism his family hold tradition with. I'd never heard of it before so I think I'll look it up at the Library. Going to use my 10 free pages of printing per day at the library to print a shit-ton of Buddhist information over the next few days. Saves me from spending money I don't have on books I might not be able to get into. Buddhist literature aimed toward western audiences is really hit or miss for readability.
Bran and his girlfriend want to learn about 'being Buddhist' and I want them to have a good opportunity to develop as Western Buddhists from the start, rather than getting sucked into 'traditionalism' like I did in the beggining. I've gotten out of my routine and when I get out of my routine things start to suck...so I need to get back into my routine and I need to do even more to stay sober and balanced.
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