July 21rst, 2012
Last night I crashed at Richards again, I feel my welcome is wearing thin, but that's probably my neurosis. Yesterday I washed all the dishes in his sink and scrubbed it out with comet. I'm not saying that a sink of dishes (Well.. two sinks) and some light cleaning could constitute payment for a week of lodging. I'm fully and keenly aware that I owe Richard a great deal for his generosity, A Great Deal. In other news S.A.D.'s candlelight meditation in the park went well last night. Dugan read part of the Bible about 'Legion and the Swine'. I've heard this particular part of the bible many time and also many interpretations of it as well. Last night was the first time I heard it compared to alcohol/addiction. When it was my turn to shared I told the story of 'Anguli Mala' it was well received. The only person there who'd heard it before was my would-be sponsee and he heard it from me. I feel sometimes like I could have done more for him when he expressed an interest in Buddhism a few weeks ago. I gave him a great book on the subject and described some of my spiritual tools in lengthy detail... but I can't shake the feeling that I gave him a screwdriver where a wrench was needed. Luckily I still have the wrenches! That and I sort of assumed he'd be able to absorb the book I gave him. Not everyone is as 'book-minded' as I am. If he shows interest again I'll give him some information on The Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path. Hopefully that will illuminate his own path for him a little better. Infatuation gave me a ride 'home' last night and illuminated some of my own path for me as it were. Specifically my Pride. I can't be angry about people in the fellowship not offering me a place to stay, especially since I've never asked. Which is my Pride self manifesting;
"No one in the program has offered me a place to stay... I think I just grew a vagina by saying that." Said my pride with a chuckle.
"Well if you do grow a vagina you can stay with me for a while. I wouldn't mind having a roommate, temporarily I mean." Said Infatuation.
" I wish I had a vagina." I quipped giving her a hug before exiting the vehicle.
I went inside Richards house, no one was home but his dog. I wanted to stay awake to be sure my presence there would be tolerated, homelessness can make you all kinds of insecure. In the end I was too tired and passed out hard on the couch. It was a dark dead sleep, so sound that when I woke the stiffness in my body told me I had not once adjusted my position in the night. I heard Richards voice once, but no one tried to rouse me so I guess I'm still welcome. It was raining when I woke, the drops beating a metallic cadence on the topper of Richards truck outside. I grabbed my pack of smokes off the end table, slipped into my sandals and slinked out of the house as quietly as possible. Sitting at the coffee shop now waiting for my cousin to pick me up and take me to my grandma's house. My mother says I can't tell her I'm homeless, that it wouldn't be a good idea and would probably lead to grandma making her life a living hell. I'm worried because... I haven't lied to anyone about anything in quite some time. Not sure I'll be very convincing if she asks about my living situation.
Last night I crashed at Richards again, I feel my welcome is wearing thin, but that's probably my neurosis. Yesterday I washed all the dishes in his sink and scrubbed it out with comet. I'm not saying that a sink of dishes (Well.. two sinks) and some light cleaning could constitute payment for a week of lodging. I'm fully and keenly aware that I owe Richard a great deal for his generosity, A Great Deal. In other news S.A.D.'s candlelight meditation in the park went well last night. Dugan read part of the Bible about 'Legion and the Swine'. I've heard this particular part of the bible many time and also many interpretations of it as well. Last night was the first time I heard it compared to alcohol/addiction. When it was my turn to shared I told the story of 'Anguli Mala' it was well received. The only person there who'd heard it before was my would-be sponsee and he heard it from me. I feel sometimes like I could have done more for him when he expressed an interest in Buddhism a few weeks ago. I gave him a great book on the subject and described some of my spiritual tools in lengthy detail... but I can't shake the feeling that I gave him a screwdriver where a wrench was needed. Luckily I still have the wrenches! That and I sort of assumed he'd be able to absorb the book I gave him. Not everyone is as 'book-minded' as I am. If he shows interest again I'll give him some information on The Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path. Hopefully that will illuminate his own path for him a little better. Infatuation gave me a ride 'home' last night and illuminated some of my own path for me as it were. Specifically my Pride. I can't be angry about people in the fellowship not offering me a place to stay, especially since I've never asked. Which is my Pride self manifesting;
"No one in the program has offered me a place to stay... I think I just grew a vagina by saying that." Said my pride with a chuckle.
"Well if you do grow a vagina you can stay with me for a while. I wouldn't mind having a roommate, temporarily I mean." Said Infatuation.
" I wish I had a vagina." I quipped giving her a hug before exiting the vehicle.
I went inside Richards house, no one was home but his dog. I wanted to stay awake to be sure my presence there would be tolerated, homelessness can make you all kinds of insecure. In the end I was too tired and passed out hard on the couch. It was a dark dead sleep, so sound that when I woke the stiffness in my body told me I had not once adjusted my position in the night. I heard Richards voice once, but no one tried to rouse me so I guess I'm still welcome. It was raining when I woke, the drops beating a metallic cadence on the topper of Richards truck outside. I grabbed my pack of smokes off the end table, slipped into my sandals and slinked out of the house as quietly as possible. Sitting at the coffee shop now waiting for my cousin to pick me up and take me to my grandma's house. My mother says I can't tell her I'm homeless, that it wouldn't be a good idea and would probably lead to grandma making her life a living hell. I'm worried because... I haven't lied to anyone about anything in quite some time. Not sure I'll be very convincing if she asks about my living situation.
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