Thought I might take a break from the transcription of last years journal to talk about some stuff and actually Blog a little. I think they should calling Blaaaaghing because whenever I go on other blogs it always seems like a torrent of emotional word vomit. Not hating on other blogs... just sayin'. During my time as a homeless person last year my views on pretty much everything underwent a massive overhaul. I found faith, I found sobriety, and I found a lot of bullshit in the meantime. I brushed it off mostly, until recently when a giant stack of shit came my way, that's actually why I started transcribing my old journal, I was looking for perspective and looking backward to see if I had actually made progress. In a lot of ways I have, and in a lot of ways I haven't. I'm still an alcoholic, I just don't drink, I still take a negative view on the world, I just buoy that outlook with what's obviously positive about it. You have to take the good with the bad right? I think so, the real trick is just getting so that you enjoy the 'bad' stuff, that way it never really is. Last year waiting in line at the homeless shelter an older homeless lady said something that I found utterly profound. She told me;
"The best thing about being homeless is that no one cares where you are or what you are doing. The worst thing about being homeless is that no one cares where you are or what you are doing."
Talk about circular logic. I took it as a simple truth, being homeless was freeing in it's own way, no rent to pay, no bills to worry. about, nowhere to really be and nothing that you absolutely had to do. For a while I was perfectly happy just subsisting on my plasma money and living at the shelter. It was kind of like a vacation from 'reality', just a really shitty vacation where you have almost no money and can't really do anything. I took advantage of it though, I used the time to read about Buddhism, raise the quality level of my sobriety, and walk absurd distances on a regular basis. I met people... for the first time in years I was meeting people without a drink in my hand. I made friends, real friends. Then I got comfortable for a while and then everything went to shit. I had a falling out with my girl, the AA fellowship, and still can't find a job. Out of everything I'm most upset about the fellowship... or more specifically the dogmatic nature of AA, the unwritten rules that aren't in the books, and the backbiting nature of some of the members which I experienced first hand. Here I am trying to reshape and rebuild myself root and stem and some individuals have nothing better to do than assassinate my character at every turn. Sad fucking shit, not even gonna get into the misdirected misandry that helped destroy my last relationship, or the sad neglect of the first tradition involved in the matter, or the other individual in the matter who was sufficiently setback by these actions. Suffice it to say shit got real. I got gone and have stayed away from the AA group since and ... actually I've been a lot happier for it. Not saying I don't struggle with the disease of Alcoholism, I do, everyone that has it does. But the program teaches reliance on a higher power, it can be the group but for me it obviously isn't, cause I'm still here and still sober and out of meetings for about 5 weeks now. Will I ever go back, probably, but I'm gonna be a lot less involved with the fellowship than I was before. My sponsor says I'm not helping anyone by staying away, but that's not really true, I will talk to anyone about recovery if they want to talk about it. I talk to quite a few college aged young people on a regular basis about Alcoholism. I help where I can, I do what I can, and I try to be a good person. In the end no matter what your problem is that's all you can really do.
"The best thing about being homeless is that no one cares where you are or what you are doing. The worst thing about being homeless is that no one cares where you are or what you are doing."
Talk about circular logic. I took it as a simple truth, being homeless was freeing in it's own way, no rent to pay, no bills to worry. about, nowhere to really be and nothing that you absolutely had to do. For a while I was perfectly happy just subsisting on my plasma money and living at the shelter. It was kind of like a vacation from 'reality', just a really shitty vacation where you have almost no money and can't really do anything. I took advantage of it though, I used the time to read about Buddhism, raise the quality level of my sobriety, and walk absurd distances on a regular basis. I met people... for the first time in years I was meeting people without a drink in my hand. I made friends, real friends. Then I got comfortable for a while and then everything went to shit. I had a falling out with my girl, the AA fellowship, and still can't find a job. Out of everything I'm most upset about the fellowship... or more specifically the dogmatic nature of AA, the unwritten rules that aren't in the books, and the backbiting nature of some of the members which I experienced first hand. Here I am trying to reshape and rebuild myself root and stem and some individuals have nothing better to do than assassinate my character at every turn. Sad fucking shit, not even gonna get into the misdirected misandry that helped destroy my last relationship, or the sad neglect of the first tradition involved in the matter, or the other individual in the matter who was sufficiently setback by these actions. Suffice it to say shit got real. I got gone and have stayed away from the AA group since and ... actually I've been a lot happier for it. Not saying I don't struggle with the disease of Alcoholism, I do, everyone that has it does. But the program teaches reliance on a higher power, it can be the group but for me it obviously isn't, cause I'm still here and still sober and out of meetings for about 5 weeks now. Will I ever go back, probably, but I'm gonna be a lot less involved with the fellowship than I was before. My sponsor says I'm not helping anyone by staying away, but that's not really true, I will talk to anyone about recovery if they want to talk about it. I talk to quite a few college aged young people on a regular basis about Alcoholism. I help where I can, I do what I can, and I try to be a good person. In the end no matter what your problem is that's all you can really do.
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