August 27th, 2012
I didn't go to the hospital to see Matt yesterday. I wound up at Eves watching 'Sleepy Hollow'. I should have gone to see him ... but I didn't. It felt like the day ran out of time for me. The place that I'm at in my head right now is very similar to what was discussed at my Thursday AA meeting, similar at least. Due to sleep deprivation I am no longer in that place. I couldn't get into the shelter last night but I think it was what I needed. I didn't sleep outside either but the scant amount of sleep I did get wasn't very restful. Anyway... back to my neurosis. I feel very busy lately and everything feels kind of 'buttered'. I haven't been working out so my energy level is lower than usual and I'm starting to plot. Plotting my exodus from this city, plotting for money, plotting for a place to stay at night.... plotting. Before my recovery I was never a very scrupulous person, now I've got some scruples and that makes things seem ten times harder in this lifestyle. It's been raining shit on me lately and I'm trying not to let any regret infect my heart. things have been pretty harsh lately. It feels like I have so much to do that I can't move, can't accomplish anything. College was my 'ace in the hole', now it's not gonna happen and I'm having a hard time dealing with my own emotional fallout. The old feelings of failure have reasserted themselves and I feel really lost. Emotionally I have a really high threshold when it comes to shit, other peoples and my own. It's something I've learned and practiced throughout my time in AA and in my spirituality as an American Buddhist. I've been having a hard time at the shelter lately. I didn't think I'd be there this long, I don't think anyone else did either. I'm bothered by the people there and I finally want to be somewhere else. Last night at the shelter was looking good until about 10 minutes to 9. Intake stops at 9. There was plenty of space and it was looking like I'd have a bed for the night until 4 under 90 day people with jobs called in to say they were coming in late. Joaquin, Mitch, and myself all got bumped out the door. I was far less stressed than the last time this happened, but it still sucked. I walked downtown and talked to some of the locals I knew, ended up sitting on a bench most of the night talking to Joaquin. He's cool, definitely smart, and has a good sense of humor. But as I was about to find out... kind of bitter and an asshole. Somewhere in our conversation about how mushrooms affect the brain a student wandered out of a local dance club and stood near us counting the money in his pocket.
" Hey could you spare a dollar?" asked Joaquin, breaking away from our conversation to panhandle.
" I'm taking inventory right now man.." said the student.
" What's your name dude?" Asked Joaquin.
" Uh.. Joe." said the young man.
" Joe what?"
Joe paused, not responding.
"How about that dollar Joe??" Asked Joaquin again.
I pretended to be distracted by the drunk women across the street, not wishing to participate in Joaquins 'gaffe' attack.
"You got any weed on you??" Joe asked, following it up with " I know you do dude."
Joaquin put on his creepy, knowing, shit-eating grin.
"What's your last name Joe? Let me see your ID."
"Okay smartass, we're leaving." Chimed in another young man who had wandered over to the bench, apparently Joe's friend.
"Nice shoes Joe, how often to you go sailing??" Asked Joaquin gesturing to Joe's shoes, his crazy grin still in place.
"Whatever... fuck you!" Said Joe, walking away.
Joaquin does shit like this to make himself feel smart. He's constantly sizing people up at the shelter. I do it too, I think everyone who's on the street does it, I'm just not so keen on the Judgement aspect of it as Joaquin seems. Joaquin is really smart but he's also totally fucked, at least according to him, no one will hire him because of his criminal record. Specifically because of the drug charges on said record. I excused myself from the bench and wandered around for a while. Later Joaquin showed me 'squat spot' in the basement of an unlocked apartment building where he'd stashed an old queen sized mattress someone had thrown out. The caretaker knows him and doesn't mind him crashing in the basement as long as he's out early in the morning and doesn't fuck with any of the storage down there. Slept for a couple of hours then woke up with a stomach cramp and the intense urge to piss which convinced me it was time to make my exit. I quietly exited the basement and the building then made a B-line for the YMCA down the street. Luckily it was only a block away. I relieved my bladder then watched some HLN in the men's lounge area, then messaged Eve on my tracfone. She said I could take a nap at her place after 1pm. Walked back downtown, found a dollar on the ground, took the bike trail to the boat landing then looped around and headed toward Eve's. Pretty typical day.
I didn't go to the hospital to see Matt yesterday. I wound up at Eves watching 'Sleepy Hollow'. I should have gone to see him ... but I didn't. It felt like the day ran out of time for me. The place that I'm at in my head right now is very similar to what was discussed at my Thursday AA meeting, similar at least. Due to sleep deprivation I am no longer in that place. I couldn't get into the shelter last night but I think it was what I needed. I didn't sleep outside either but the scant amount of sleep I did get wasn't very restful. Anyway... back to my neurosis. I feel very busy lately and everything feels kind of 'buttered'. I haven't been working out so my energy level is lower than usual and I'm starting to plot. Plotting my exodus from this city, plotting for money, plotting for a place to stay at night.... plotting. Before my recovery I was never a very scrupulous person, now I've got some scruples and that makes things seem ten times harder in this lifestyle. It's been raining shit on me lately and I'm trying not to let any regret infect my heart. things have been pretty harsh lately. It feels like I have so much to do that I can't move, can't accomplish anything. College was my 'ace in the hole', now it's not gonna happen and I'm having a hard time dealing with my own emotional fallout. The old feelings of failure have reasserted themselves and I feel really lost. Emotionally I have a really high threshold when it comes to shit, other peoples and my own. It's something I've learned and practiced throughout my time in AA and in my spirituality as an American Buddhist. I've been having a hard time at the shelter lately. I didn't think I'd be there this long, I don't think anyone else did either. I'm bothered by the people there and I finally want to be somewhere else. Last night at the shelter was looking good until about 10 minutes to 9. Intake stops at 9. There was plenty of space and it was looking like I'd have a bed for the night until 4 under 90 day people with jobs called in to say they were coming in late. Joaquin, Mitch, and myself all got bumped out the door. I was far less stressed than the last time this happened, but it still sucked. I walked downtown and talked to some of the locals I knew, ended up sitting on a bench most of the night talking to Joaquin. He's cool, definitely smart, and has a good sense of humor. But as I was about to find out... kind of bitter and an asshole. Somewhere in our conversation about how mushrooms affect the brain a student wandered out of a local dance club and stood near us counting the money in his pocket.
" Hey could you spare a dollar?" asked Joaquin, breaking away from our conversation to panhandle.
" I'm taking inventory right now man.." said the student.
" What's your name dude?" Asked Joaquin.
" Uh.. Joe." said the young man.
" Joe what?"
Joe paused, not responding.
"How about that dollar Joe??" Asked Joaquin again.
I pretended to be distracted by the drunk women across the street, not wishing to participate in Joaquins 'gaffe' attack.
"You got any weed on you??" Joe asked, following it up with " I know you do dude."
Joaquin put on his creepy, knowing, shit-eating grin.
"What's your last name Joe? Let me see your ID."
"Okay smartass, we're leaving." Chimed in another young man who had wandered over to the bench, apparently Joe's friend.
"Nice shoes Joe, how often to you go sailing??" Asked Joaquin gesturing to Joe's shoes, his crazy grin still in place.
"Whatever... fuck you!" Said Joe, walking away.
Joaquin does shit like this to make himself feel smart. He's constantly sizing people up at the shelter. I do it too, I think everyone who's on the street does it, I'm just not so keen on the Judgement aspect of it as Joaquin seems. Joaquin is really smart but he's also totally fucked, at least according to him, no one will hire him because of his criminal record. Specifically because of the drug charges on said record. I excused myself from the bench and wandered around for a while. Later Joaquin showed me 'squat spot' in the basement of an unlocked apartment building where he'd stashed an old queen sized mattress someone had thrown out. The caretaker knows him and doesn't mind him crashing in the basement as long as he's out early in the morning and doesn't fuck with any of the storage down there. Slept for a couple of hours then woke up with a stomach cramp and the intense urge to piss which convinced me it was time to make my exit. I quietly exited the basement and the building then made a B-line for the YMCA down the street. Luckily it was only a block away. I relieved my bladder then watched some HLN in the men's lounge area, then messaged Eve on my tracfone. She said I could take a nap at her place after 1pm. Walked back downtown, found a dollar on the ground, took the bike trail to the boat landing then looped around and headed toward Eve's. Pretty typical day.
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