July 20th, 2012
Dear Infatuation,
You just dropped me off at the home of my hippy friends. I need to stop calling them that, they're just my friends and they're great people. I felt it was time I wrote you another letter. I don't know that you'll ever see any of these, or what order you'll receive them in but this one is actually the third I've written you. When I wrote the first one I had a severe crush on you, when I wrote the second one I think 'Infatuation' would probably describe my feelings best. Since that time though my feelings, my sobriety, and my spirituality have all changed drastically. More than I ever thought anything in my life could. I know now that I don't really know you yet, I don't think anyone can ever really know someone else in the complete sense. But what I have known for a long time is that I love you. I try not to dwell on it too often, Love is not a place that I like to go in my mind because these feelings are beset by my fears. Fear of inadequacy, fear of rejection, fear of loss, and a poignant fear of heartbreak. If I don't dwell on my positive feelings for you then I don't have to deal with the thorns of negativity that lie around them. I know you feel something for me, some kind of attraction I mean. I feel it mostly in proximity at this point. But my feelings for you have matured to the point where I could be happy for you if you found someone who made you happy. You deserve to be happy Infatuation, we all do. I know that you have worked hard and have found some joy in what you do but I think the feeling that eludes you is Satisfaction, not joy or happiness. The problem with satisfaction is that it's almost impossible to find it or even achieve a lasting sense of it. We all scurry from one person, place, or thing to the next and then say to ourselves;
"I'll be satisfied when I have X."
You are beautiful Infatuation, you're funny and smart, and kind even if you don't see it. None of us can see each other or ourselves the way we actually are. Perspective is reality filtered through our ego and that which we think we know is only truth we can really grasp. How can I share this, how do I tell you how I feel? I guess only my actions can say the words for now.
-Max
Dear Infatuation,
You just dropped me off at the home of my hippy friends. I need to stop calling them that, they're just my friends and they're great people. I felt it was time I wrote you another letter. I don't know that you'll ever see any of these, or what order you'll receive them in but this one is actually the third I've written you. When I wrote the first one I had a severe crush on you, when I wrote the second one I think 'Infatuation' would probably describe my feelings best. Since that time though my feelings, my sobriety, and my spirituality have all changed drastically. More than I ever thought anything in my life could. I know now that I don't really know you yet, I don't think anyone can ever really know someone else in the complete sense. But what I have known for a long time is that I love you. I try not to dwell on it too often, Love is not a place that I like to go in my mind because these feelings are beset by my fears. Fear of inadequacy, fear of rejection, fear of loss, and a poignant fear of heartbreak. If I don't dwell on my positive feelings for you then I don't have to deal with the thorns of negativity that lie around them. I know you feel something for me, some kind of attraction I mean. I feel it mostly in proximity at this point. But my feelings for you have matured to the point where I could be happy for you if you found someone who made you happy. You deserve to be happy Infatuation, we all do. I know that you have worked hard and have found some joy in what you do but I think the feeling that eludes you is Satisfaction, not joy or happiness. The problem with satisfaction is that it's almost impossible to find it or even achieve a lasting sense of it. We all scurry from one person, place, or thing to the next and then say to ourselves;
"I'll be satisfied when I have X."
You are beautiful Infatuation, you're funny and smart, and kind even if you don't see it. None of us can see each other or ourselves the way we actually are. Perspective is reality filtered through our ego and that which we think we know is only truth we can really grasp. How can I share this, how do I tell you how I feel? I guess only my actions can say the words for now.
-Max
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