Reconnecting

                                   January 24th, 2012 12pm

     Still me, still sick, almost over it though. Becky took me out for Chinese and bought me some blistex for my dry cracked lips. I'm grateful. We're getting a storage unit and I'll take over the payments when I get some income. I did not go to a meeting yesterday and probably won't go to one tonight. I'm okay with it though, it still sucks, I get a high from the meetings. If I feel better tomorrow I'll hop over to plasma, then over to the coffee shop for some job hunting. I have to accept that ANY job will do for now, but damn it would be nice to have a job I actually enjoyed. Maybe I'll ask The Universe what's up tonight. I'm going to write a letter to my grandmother , she's been asking me to write her for a long time now, practically every time I see her in person. She also told me that she's going to die this spring. Need to contact my mother too and let her know I'll be staying here instead of moving in with her. Need to call my sponsor after 3pm. Good thing I have this government tracfone, or none of that would be getting done. I'll take it easy tonight and get a fresh start tomorrow. Becky started school today, I hope it went well. i should call my uncle too. On top of that I should do my taxes tomorrow.

     Dear Grandma,

     Hope you're not dead, how's the house? Much the same I imagine. Life in the city is good, much better now that I moved out of the old apartment. I'm staying with an old friend right now. it's been a rough month, but I've lost some more weight and joined Alcoholics Anonymous last week. I've been ill for a few days, but I feel strong and hopeful for the future for the first time in a long time. Also I have a bunch of new friends and that feels awesome. Thank you for the Top Tobacco you gave me at Christmas, very very grateful for that. Always nice to have cigarettes when you're broke. Especially since they are my only vice right now. Moving into a new job soon and then into my own place for the first time ever. It's a rent controlled low-income apartment near the local Shopko. Hopefully my application gets approved before Becky gets sick of me crashing on her couch. My room mate didn't pay internet this month so I didn't have a phone for most of the month. I have a cellphone now, I've included the number, give me a call sometime. I have a cold that's kicking my ass right now, hope this letter finds you well, or alive at the very least.

                       -Love Max  

Be Kind, Please Rewind

      ( I was cleaning my apartment last week when I found my red journal, that is to say the journal before the one I just finished transcribing in my last post. I had thought that it was in my storage unit but as it happens I found it stuffed into a bock of hammer white printer paper underneath my bed in my super efficiency apartment. I started the red journal almost exactly one month after my last drink. Some of the idea's are crude and it's no where near as brilliant as I thought it was when I first wrote it, but I hope that some alcoholic somewhere will be able to glean some wisdom from it's pages. I would have started with this journal, but like I said I couldn't find it. Anyway jumping back in time like this gives it a kind of 'Tarantino' feel.)

                                                    January 23rd, 2012

     Sick. Couldn't think my way out of it, so I'm going to use this time to start another journal. One month, one day and fifteen hours sober . Nine AA meetings in ten days. A new place, a new roommate, a new chance to make it right again and one hell of a cold. Have I been pushing too hard? Perhaps. Is this cold a message to slow down? Perhaps. Feels like the fight of my life, probably because it is. I wear my unflinching honesty like proud armor now, not saying their aren't some chinks in it. my soul is strong though, strong as it's ever been, but my body is a mess. Lips chapped, nose running constantly, throat dry and scratchy. Staying with Becky has been a blessing to me. I wonder if she even know she's the best person I know? Kinder and more selfless that the hippest of hippies. Real hippies who would give you the shirt off their back or their last sandwich if they thought it would make a difference. I could pay her back ten-fold and I'd still be in her debt till the end of my days. It would be easy to slip now. Insomnia, lack of appetite, and sickness plague me, hound me. But my will is strong and I can't explain it. It's a miracle. For so long I lived selfishly, the irony being tha ti ended up with very few of the material things I wanted. AA has blessed me, let me give of myself and in giving I have gained the most tremendous return; my life. It's five in the morning now, I'm going to try to sleep.

                                         January 23rd, 12pm

      Still sick, couldn't breathe to sleep, so I stayed awake, I feel like something is moving in my brain. Like I'm undergoing a metamorphosis. Might just be my sinuses. With all the shit happening lately I feel like... I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not numb but I'm not really feeling anything either. My call to Mandy yesterday was weird. I was incredibly nervous but I think I was also actually myself, which is weird for me at this point. Going to try to sleep again for a few hours. I'd like to go to a meeting tonight but I don't want anyone getting sick because of me. Hopefully some sleep will clear my brain. who will I be when I wake up?  

 

Compassion is the Fruition of Respect and Understanding

                                            January 22nd, 2013

      Filled out an application for the local newspaper today, stuffing papers overnight sounds like fun to me, hell anything sounds fun to me at this point. This is officially my longest period of unemployment in my life at this point. Filled out another application for the gas station downtown, would be a great job for me to have because I already know a big chunk of the customers because most of the homeless people from the shelter go there to spend their foodshare money. Ran into Deana at the coffee shop, she bought me a coffee and I bought a sandwich, offered to split it with her but she wasn't hungry. I find I'm much better at giving and sharing now that I'm out of the shelter. I think it's because my scarcity mentality has been somewhat eased. Deana and I sat and talked about the program for a while.

" When I was in early recovery my daughter tried to blame me for her bad grades. I was always all over her about doing her homework at that time though, so I just took it in the context that those were her feelings.So even though her homework issues weren't my fault, it didn't really matter because that was how she felt and to her those feelings were real.Feelings are real and powerful things, they color your whole reality so you have to acknowledge them to yourself, and especially in other people."

     Stephen Covey said something like; " We see the world as We are, not as it actually is." Deana's conversation with me about her daughter reminded me of that. Not only do I not have to be right, where other people's feelings are concerned it doesn't even matter if I am right. The feelings of others deserve respect and great care must be taken where they are concerned. We're all here and we all want to tell each other what reality is but what is real for me may not be real for you, and vice versa. Where reality is concerned... yours will never be mine, nor should it.

Getting Back To Dysfunctionally Normal

                                                   October 31rst, 2012

     Eve and I spent the night together in her apartment last night, I was nervous as hell about being there, with all the shenanigans that went down when her wallet was stolen three weeks ago. The lady who stole her wallet and cleaned out her checking and savings account was picked up by the cops a few days ago. The way the cops described it to Eve the accused also had a bunch of other peoples stuff stashed in her room at the local women's shelter. That made me feel a little better about being in her apartment again. I can only imagine how pissed her sponsor must have been to find out it wasn't me after all. I've done some terrible shit in my lifetime, but I'm not a thief. Eve's primary divorce hearing is scheduled for today at 2pm, so last night was a bit of a critical moment for us to be together. I truly feel that it was meant to be. For one thing my higher power keeps putting her directly in my path. After last night I feel like we're really, finally, moving in a congruent direction. Maybe not on the same path, but headed in the same general direction. Strange coincidences aside. Strange coincidences like yesterday. I gave plasma in the early morning and was walking back to downtown, halfway there I was waiting at a stoplight when I decided to check my phone to see if Eve had called or text. She had not but when I looked up she was sitting there in her car, right in front of me at the stoplight I was waiting for. She waved me in and unlocked the door, I buckled my seat and we drove to a park on the edge of town. It was very serendipitous. If you believe in a higher power then you have to believe that, whatever you interpretation of that power is, it acts on and through everyone and everything around you. For me and Eve it certainly seems keen to act on us through each other. And why not? We talked in the park, held hands, took a walk, cuddled a little on a bench, basic couple stuff. Afterward we went back to her place, I cooked dinner and we watched a movie. Still nervous about being at her place, but her divorce hearing is today and I know she needed me. All things considered it was a great day, all you can do is hope for the best and hope that your day is hoping for the same.   

AA Ought Never Be Organized

                                        October 28th, 2012

     Attended the sponsorship lines 'Spiritual Retreat' meeting last night before the Saturday night speaker meeting, before the NA/AA Halloween dance. I text(ed) Al at one point;

     "Having a really great day, hope you are as well. I will be in AA functions from now until midnight. How's that for recovery??"

     The planning meeting was horribly disorganized, but hey we're alcoholics, being disorganized is kind of our thing. I don't really know what we figured out about the retreat. I did hear Miguel say that the older members of the line were going to have to step in and try to get the event back on track. One of our line has recently left our line, evidenced by the lack of his presence at our planning meetings. Some sort of communication breakdown/disagreement with his sponsor, which is kind of ironic since the theme of our retreat this year is 'Relationships in Recovery'.

     Then after we figured out what we figured out... there was pizza and soda and I felt a little bad not having any money to contribute to the cost. Eve showed up shortly after our meeting ended to hang out with me before the Saturday Night speaker meeting and to give me the crack she made me. 'Trisha Yearwoods Crack' it's a terribly high calorie desert item with saltine crackers, dark chocolate and caramel. Not rocked cocaine but still quite the sugar rush. Eve also returned my 'God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him' T-shirt. We're the most together we've ever been, funny how that came about from being apart for a week.

     The speaker meeting was good, it was Peach speaking. Eves sponsor was actually nice to me but I suspect it was just smokescreen. I was a little taken aback nonetheless. Basically in regard to one another and our said rights in seeing each other Eve and I have told our respective sponsors to back off. Peach said something about being transparent, I heard Eve giggle and I had to suppress a guffaw of my own. Terrible, terrible inside joke. Maybe I'll journal about it sometime.

     At the dance I talked to Meadow about World of Warcraft for a while, Eve said later that she picked up on a certain tension between us. Meadow is still playing World of Warcraft, she has two main characters, one being a Worgen Druid.

      Eves costume was a Gothic Raggedy Anne, I went as 'The Iron Fist' on a casual day, which consisted of green corduroy pants and a green silk shirt with some black dragons embroidered on it. I didn't actually have a costume, but me dressing up at all is as close to a costume as it gets these days.

     I felt somewhat snubbed by my old clique, I'd like to re-engage them and bring Eve with me but the whole clique thing in AA/NA seems unhealthy to me anyway. Still I can't isolate myself with her at meetings and functions, that's not healthy either. It's hard because I don't get to see her as often as I'm used to and we're still following her son's rules about not having me in the apartment. Her sponsor made a back handed comment at my expense as we were leaving. She told Eve;

" If you're gonna hang out with him, do it at his place." She said. Which is hilarious to her I guess because I'm homeless. Ha ha.

     After that we fled the scene together and parked by the lake for a good two hours. Again the words just exploded from our mouths and fought for room in the small vehicle. We still have so much to say to each other, I hope that never changes between us. If you ever make out with someone who is wearing fake tattoos on their face, just be aware that before too long you will be wearing fake tattoos on your own face.  

A Night For Us

                                                  October 25th, 2012

      I saw Eve at the Wednesday night big book meeting. She came in shortly after I arrived and sat down, didn't say anything to me or even look at me directly, and then left before the meeting started. I was worried about her but not freaked out. The meeting was good, we read and discussed the 'actor' part of the book, about being an actor but wanting to be the director who controls everything. It was a good meeting and it tied-in to the NA meeting I attended earlier that week where we talked about spiritual imbalances leading us back to our Addict nature, specifically the desire to scheme. I got my job as Secretary of the group conscience back, even though we didn't have a business meeting that night. Afterward outside I was enjoying the fellowship and a cigarette and turning my phone back on. I checked my texts and saw that Eve had sent me one.

     " You know me more than anyone, really really!!" followed shortly by another message.

     " Things don't turn on and off like water, I know I tried!"

     I called her phone from the parking lot of a nearby secondhand store, while my friend looked inside for a used child seat to fit a road bike.

      " Hello?" her voice was hoarse I could tell she'd been crying.

      " Hey..." I let that hang in the air for a few seconds. " ... are you alright??"

      " I tried to turn it all off, but I can't. I'm such a big baby about all this."

      " Don't say that, look I'm almost out of minutes, did you want to meet me in the park and just talk?"

      " Okay."

      "Alright, give me about 15 minutes." I hung up.

       Eve was in her car parked in front of the freshly constructed apartments on the edge of the river. I felt a nervous flutter in my chest as I opened the passenger door and climbed in. I hadn't been this close to her in five days. Not since our breakup, the subsequent reuniting, and separation in lieu of the theft of Eve's wallet by an unknown party. Events which set into motion a giant shit-storm that resulted in everyone taking a giant chunk out of Eves life. Her children and her sponsor had dictated several conditions that they had no right to dictate;

What she could do.
Who she could see.
Where she could go.

       All decided by her son and her sponsor, reinforced by threats; basically everything Eve had to say was wrong and everything she wanted to do was irrelevant. Her son's need to control everything, inflamed by his fear and overbearing nature combine with her sponsors misandry provided them the oppoptunity to hijack Eves life.
  
       We hugged and then we gushed, both of us trying to say as much as we could about the last five days.

       " My son said that if I didn't agree to everything he would tell the landlord I had violated the building policies and get me evicted so I'd have to move in with him. Then my sponsor said that the living situation here was fine, it was just the men in my life that I needed to get rid of and..." Eve pause and smiled at me. " I told myself that they could take whatever they wanted but they couldn't take my heart, you're my rock, my rock." Then we hugged.

      " I never thought you'd speak to me again, when I sent you those texts and you didn't respond I thought..." I cut her off.

      " They looked like 'forwards' I thought you sent them to me by accident. That's why I didn't respond." I put in.

      " Then when you sent that text about being in the park if my son wanted to say something to your face..." Eve made a frustrated groan."Everyone around me was saying all these things about you, but they don't know you like I do."

       Hugging, kissing, the holding of hands.

       " I thought you'd never speak to me again, especially after the storage unit.After we left my sponsor said 'what not even and I love you or anything?' it just mad me so mad!"

       " I didn't know if I was 'allowed' to speak to you, the air I got from your sponsor was pretty authoritarian." I said.

      We talked some more then took a walk down the bike trail, away from the river toward the nearby lake. We sat on a picnic table near the rest area, more cuddling and such. The sky was dark and rainy but the air was warm, probably one of the last warm evenings of the year. Little peels of lightning were bouncing off the rain-rippled surface of the lake. We decided not to cut off communication with each other, which goes against my sponsors recommendation, her's too. Everyone is trying to protect us from each other and probably ourselves. But sometimes you just know when a thing is right and we're right, right now. I know that I need to focus on fixing and stabilizing my life right now. I feel that Eve and I can grow together given the chance. I think this night was for us, to cut the clutter and figure it all out.   

All Plans Subject to Change

                                                  Still October 23rd, 2012

      My thoughts were a little scrambled when I was journaling last night, not to say that scrambled thoughts are a rarity in my life, but I used to have more focus for my journal. It will return in time , I suspect, especially if I get back into the habit of doing it regularly. This journal has helped me maintain, sharpen, and re-sharpen my writing skills. To that end I have acquired a copy of 'Writer's Express', a grade school creative writing textbook. I have it stashed in my duffel at the moment. I figure one assignment a day should be enough to garner a tangible improvement in my writing. To sharpen my spiritual focus I have a copy of 'A Western Approach To Zen' by Christmas Humphreys. A solid hour of meditation everyday should help me stay on 'The Path', which is what I've started calling Buddhism. I think Gautama would be pleased with that, I also think he probably wouldn't be fond of people calling his spiritual insights 'Buddhism'. Just a feeling. For my jewelery / geology interests I am reading 'Precious Gems of North America' of which their are several editions. The author of which was the chief 'gemologist' for Tiffany's Precious Stones in New York. It's a good source of information, what's what about gemstones, where to find them and what they are worth. There is also a fair bit of strange lore about the gemstones, as in folklore. I dig it. For my alcoholism and recovery purposes I am re-reading the Big Book and the 12x12 while updating and re-exploring my 4th step inventory. Trying to do my 3rd and 7th step prayers everyday in the mornings this week. For my job-seeking I have all the ability and opportunities in the world, I just need to grab onto to something and drag it to me. To that end 'Labor Day' and 'Xpress' both have my application on file.

     All plans subject to change. 

Through all this distraction... I still miss her. For that ache in my heart... all of this.